its snowing, again

spring, please save us all.
i need to bask in warmth
i need to find solace in long walks
i need nature. i miss her.

i should have realized.

dear diary.

i dont think i like this at all. its like a slap in the face

love,
me

want

im ready for warmer weather

denim

want a demin jumper onesie.with cable knit stockings and strappy heels.
perfect.

brat

in the past month every thing in my life has changed. i went through something very hard and emotional and exhausting. i lost something i did not want to give up. i was haunted and sleepless from ghosts in my bed. i was pushed out of my home by fear and terror. i have sorted my posessions amoungst all my friends and i am now residing on the left side of dylans bed in his home he shares with his father. i am now up against learning and being sucessful in most likely the hardest position ive ever aquired. while this is very exciting it is also VERY stressful. i have 2 ft of space to call my own in a closet in franklin. i have always found comfort in being surrounded by my things, my home. now i do not have one. my entire faith system and everything i have stood for changed. my entire life changed in 30 simple days. i dont know what coping mechanism to use. i used to turn to dance parties and drinking. i used to turn to locking myself in my room. i dont have any of these options. i dont know what to do with myself or how to manage all this change. i feel like i am not myself right now. i feel like i am simply at the mercy of every great wind in my life. how am i not myself? how am i not myself? i feel like all this change is causing great emotional upheaval. i dont know how to deal with everything anymore. i am at a loss.

a celebration is in order

I have gotten a promotion here at work. A big one! It came as a bit of a surprise! Seeing as how I have only been with the company 3 months and just this Monday became an official employee(I was through a temp agency) I am very very proud. I just got out of my very first new team meeting. Wow. I have so much to learn. I am going from being a simple biller of 8 very lovely and great clinics to being a Collections Specialist for only two very difficult clinics. But it involves completely learning 4 new system programs I have no idea about and learning entire books of codes and adjustments and having AR meetings where I am the person telling the clinics what they need to fix or what they are doing wrong. And fighting insurance companies for the money to keep these clinics open(We are non profit). I will be highly held accountable for every action I make. It requires great skill and organization. I had spoken a month ago about moving up a little but to be assigned to this team is a really big honor. And my new team leader is very excited, she told me I obviously proved myself to be getting placed in this new position. I am nervous about learning so much so fast but I am excited to be given a chance to prove myself. I have never done something like this as I have always been more on just the accounting side of the businesses. I am so excited to use my brain!!! I have to move my desk tomorrow and inform all my current clinics who I have formed great relationships with that I will be passing them to another biller. I am sad to be leaving my little team but excited to be joining the best team in our dept!!

its all kind of a big deal.
so yay!!!!!!!

calm smiles

royal dandies

apparently these are the worlds smallest pigs. the size of teacups.
i need one to love and hug and cuddle. wish they werent $2500.00

faultline

ive been living on this shaky, uncertain ground for too long

i have not one single thing to show for 26 years of exhaustion.

snowed in

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

dang

happy 1.5 aniv babe

kittenz

snuggle softness :)

vday baby

Nasty Gal always has such great stuff. But I am kinda obsessed with these large two finger rings for $28. DOPE

childlike love

dear god, its me.

Let me tell you something. Once you have slept in bed with a demon, Jesus suddenly becomes alot more clear. I know most of my close friends who know me might be surprised at this statement. So brace yourselves, because I have become a Christian. A pink bible toting Christian at that. Saturday, Dylan and I met up with a woman from Seattle and Libby and Danielle and when they started talking to us about our situation, and God, we were surprised that it all made sense. It all makes sense. We stayed up all night Saturday reading the Bible outloud to eachother and praying and talking about how OBVIOUS it suddenly was. How it would of course take a demon to make us see. Nothing else was getting through. I cant imagine much else would have worked on me. We suddenly saw how clear our gifts from God were, how we could use them later in life to serve him. How we felt "called"

Over the past year or so I had become pretty much convinced there was no higher power, just science and carbon and the happenstance of evolution. Experiencing the demonic spiritual world at work on our lives recently has shown me that of course God is real.

We figure it goes like this. The Bible is a story. Its the story of the Matrix. Neo was predicted. He was born. He was capable of incredible feats. Just like Jesus. Now the Matrix is the "fallen world" and what Jesus was showing us in his miracles was what we have to look forward to in the "kingdom of heaven". Just like in the matrix all these miracle seemed impossible because we had never seen this before, because we had no idea what the kingdom of heaven was like. He rose from the dead. He was showing us what we are capable of, if we believe in him.

So, if you believe in him, you are neo. You can fly and dodge bullets(heal the sick, raise the dead, move mountains, cast out demons). Just by being Christ-like.

exhausted

I cant go home. I cant sleep. I have nightmares. I wake dylan up in the middle of the night scared and crying.


I keep praying for peace and calmness and protection.
I keep praying for this to stop.